Music Is Not a Four Letter Word

A couple of days ago I sat down with the list that my daughters made for me to download music to their iPods. While I can’t stop what they listen to on the radio, I can have some control over what I pay for and what ends up on their iPods. I downloaded a few to listen to before I purchased the whole list. From Ludacris: (From My Chick Bad)“Now your girls might be sick, but my girl sicker/She rides that d**k and she handles her liquor/I knock a bitch out and fight/comin out swingin like Tiger Woods’ wife…a chick so bad the whole crew want to bone her.”
And from Ke$sha: (From We R What We R) “We’re dancing like we’re dumb/our bodies go numb/we’ll be forever young…I’m just taking truth/I’m tellin you bout the s**t we do/we’re sellin’ our clothes/sleepin in cars/dressing it down/hitting on dudes.”
These words took my breath away. As a parent, I feel a bit panicked and shocked. I know these songs exist, but in my mind they were the exception. Now, I realize, they are more of the rule. Leonard Sax, an M.D. who wrote Why Gender Matters, points out that girls and boys don’t date anymore, they “hook up” at the end of the night after being out in large groups. These “hook ups” are just for sex, most often girls servicing boys without intercourse.
The songs on the radio reflect that – there is no romance, no connection. Girls to themselves and to boys are objects to be used, bodies numb to sex and to violence. As a parent, I know I have to teach my daughters discernment in the face of this much bombardment. But how? Not even the Supreme Court can define whether or not this is an infringement on women’s rights. But clearly, girls need a conversation.
There are many important messages that need to be part of this conversation. Among them is the idea that in a free society, artists create work that reflects their environment, personality, lives, beliefs and imaginations. It is their story to tell in whatever form that takes – music, dance, theater, poetry, etc. Understanding that their story isn’t your story is a big epiphany. And just as artists have the freedom to express their thoughts, it is our responsibility to accept or reject it, to set the guidelines for each family on what is acceptable for our own daughters, and then following our own personal convictions. It’s not about burning books or smashing CDs in protest, it’s about looking at art with your own eyes and values.
Our conversations about music are reminiscent of my mother’s conversation with me as a teen. My daughters and I looked at our mothers’ as un-cool, not up with the times and just old fashioned. The music my mother objected to had more to do with tone (too much screaming) and not necessarily the message.
Sometimes, time and perspective makes a difference and as adults, we can see that perspective. Kids haven’t developed that yet and maybe discernment is what we need to encourage. If we ask ourselves what would our reaction be if these songs were about a particular race or religion as they were in the days leading up to the Holocaust in pre-war Germany? Would we at least talk about it and try to get our kids to understand the concept of bigotry? Really, this is the same conversation.
I know that I am setting a role model that is different from the music the girls hear. And as a parent, I have to take solace in that. But it still worries me that our children are listening to music that demeans and degrades women, that reduces relationships to violence and random sex. While this used to be the music on the edges, it is now the music in the center. Sometimes I wonder what the motivation would be to create a different standard. What would it take for the content to shift? And, what is our role in all that? We have seen the standard change over the years in regards to a lot of behaviors that have become acceptable and not acceptable in art. While women have made a lot of progress in regards to our status in society, it seems that the music of another generation continues to dictate a place that continues to seem undesirable for women and girls. How do we encourage the conversation?