Girls Soaring

Why does the thrill of soaring have to be preceded by the fear of falling? Good public speakers, athletes, and actors all talk about that initial anxiety that accompanies the speech, the event, the play. I have heard it said that just a little of that anxiety can help you create the edge you need to push yourself to the next level. Once, while taking a class in self defense, we were told to “feel the fear and do it anyway.” That is a good lesson to learn when you are trying to overcome something; in this case, old patterns and scripts of being unable to defend yourself.
As girls are socialized, they come to an edge of knowing and not knowing themselves. Before my eyes I, am watching my 11-year-old try on new “selves.” Last year as a fifth grader, she was somewhat reserved around others and very judgmental of teachers who she did not feel were in integrity. This year, she observes the passion in her English teacher for a book he likes. She tells me, “It would be like me talking about the books I really like, mom. He just goes on and on about this book.” She doesn’t like the book and thinks it is boring. Last year, she would have resisted completely, dug her heals in and chosen not to participate. This year, she is plodding through, reading the book and doing the assignments.
Looking at the canon of works they are reading, I am saddened to see there are no women authors. There are few men of color. I want to push back on this edge, even though she has backed away from it. Her conformity comes with her socialization. As her mom and as a woman in this culture, I know she has to conform. She can’t step out and fly off this ledge. She has to be successful in school and to be successful she has to accept the canon of books as the best of the best, even though she will not see herself reflected in it. She must deny the voice inside herself that wants to demand a book that engages her and connects her.
To soar as women sometimes means to leave the comfort of the group, to challenge the status quo, to speak out when something doesn’t feel right. Sometimes we don’t even recognize any more what we accept as true, even though it may not be true for ourselves. Raising daughters, watching them, I see those edges and have to trust that eventually, my daughters will know when to soar.